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Brian Hood 
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Lew Rosenberg
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                        JEWISH CUSTOMS OF MOURNING

                                  (Edited January 2007)

Definition of the term MOURNER:  father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife. Other relatives are not considered "mourners" unless they are the next of kin.

I. THE FUNERAL AND BURIAL

Cutting Keriah: The tearing of a black ribbon or garment prior to the funeral allows the mourner the opportunity to express anguish and anger. This tear is an outward sign of grief and mourning and signifies that the mourner is confronting death head-on. The prevailing custom is to tear the ribbon on the mourner's right side, but on the left side (closest to the heart) for someone mourning a father or mother.

Pallbearers carry the casket to the grave, a custom dating back to biblical times when Jacob's children carried him to the grave. Seven stops are made while Psalm 91 is recited.

The El Malei Rachamim is a prayer for the peace of the departed soul and is recited or chanted after the casket is lowered into the ground.

Kevurah is the shoveling of earth into the grave. This last physical act performed by a loved one helps the mourner on the way to acceptance and reconciliation. It is often done with the back of the shovel to indicate a reluctance to perform this ritual.

II. UPON RETURNING FROM THE CEMETERY

It is customary to place a bowl of water with a cup at the entrance of the home for those returning from the cemetery. This is a tradition from the early post-Talmudic period.  It can be seen metaphorically as a ritual cleansing from a place of death to a place of life. The mystical custom is to pour water over each hand three times.

The shiva candle is lit immediately on returning from the cemetery. It officially marks the beginning of the 7 days of mourning. The Bible teaches that "the light of God is the soul of humankind" (Proverbs 20:27). The shiva candle is therefore symbolic of the soul of the deceased.

The mourners' first meal after the funeral is called se'udat havra'ah, "meal of condolence." The meal is prepared for them by neighbors and friends and helps mourners regain their strength. Mourners are required to eat before anyone else. It is customary for the meal to include round foods such as hard boiled eggs and lentils, which symbolize the cyclical nature of life -- the mourners return from the cemetery marking their return to life after a direct confrontation with death.

III. KADDISH - MEMORIAL PRAYER

Kaddish is an Aramaic word which means "holy" or "sanctity." Mourners first recite the Kaddish at the cemetery after the burial. The Kaddish is not a prayer about death. It is an affirmation of life and our faith in God. It reaffirms the mourners relationship with God and God's will in this world. At graveside the Kaddish is recited completely by the mourners alone. The friends and other relatives, in attendance, recite the appropriate congregational responses. Kaddish is traditionally recited in the presence of 10 or more adults.

The Kaddish is recited for 11 months less one day for parents. Next of kin can accept the responsibility of saying Kaddish if there is no one else to do so. According to Jewish legend the Kaddish is recited for this length of time because a soul that does not have enough of its own merit to enter Gan Eden, "Paradise" has one year to "earn" eternity. Each time a mourner recites the Kaddish for the deceased, the soul "earns points" in its heavenly quest. No soul is so bad that it needs a full year to acquire these points.

The Kaddish is recited on each anniversary of death (Yahrzeit), and at memorial services (Yizkor) four times a year:

  • Yom Kippur day
  • Shemini Atzeret (8th day of Sukkot)
  • the last day of Passover
  • the second day of Shavuot

IV. SHIVA

Shiva means seven, and refers to the first week of mourning after burial. It is the most intense of the three periods of mourning. Shiva is a time of intense but sheltered and controlled grief. It is the second stage (the first being, the funeral arrangements and the funeral) of the "grief work" done by the mourners over a prolonged period of time. Shiva affords the mourners time to remember the deceased and to share stories of his or her life with friends and family.

The day of the burial is counted as the first day of Shiva, and the 7th day is only observed for one hour.

It is customary during Shiva in order to focus complete attention on one's grief:

  • sit low as a symbol of "being brought low" in grief.
  • no "luxurious" bathing or cutting hair. These are signs of vanity.
  • remove leather shoes and wear cloth slippers or sandals.
  • covering mirrors for the same reason as not bathing.
  • sexual relations are forbidden.
  • mourners should not transact business.
  • mourners may clean and cook for themselves.
  • wherever possible morning and evening services should be held in the home.

There is no mourning on the Sabbath (from Friday afternoon until Saturday night after dark) or Festivals. These days are still counted as part of the seven days of Shiva.  The Keriah ribbon or torn garment is not worn on the Sabbath.

If a mourner's livelihood is at risk if he or she is away for the full seven days, three days of Shiva may be observed.

The arrival of any Festival annuls the remainder of Shiva no matter how minimal a period of mourning was observed. If a burial took place in the midst of a Festival, since Shiva is not permitted, it begins after the festival.  When one is unsure of what to do, a rabbi should be consulted.

Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day. The candle is blown out in silence (or one may allow the candle to continue to burn until it goes out). The mourners take a walk around the block, as a way of taking a first step back into the world. There are those who suggest that the soul of the deceased abides with the mourners. The soul is there to comfort the family. This first walk is for the mourners to escort the soul out of the house, indicating that they are going to be all right.

V. SHELOSHIM

The second period of mourning is less intense. Sheloshim means "thirty". This period includes the Shiva period plus the following twenty-three days. The mourners return to their "normal" routine and activities. However, attending celebrations, weddings, places where there will be music and dancing, is prohibited. In some communities, those mourning for a parent do not attend celebrations for a full year following the death.

It is customary to go to services every day to say Kaddish, or attend services every Shabbat with the same intention.

Some follow the custom of not visiting the grave until after Sheloshim, others after the Shiva period.

VI. AVELUT AND MATZEVAH (Unveiling)

Avelut means "mourning" and refers to the 12-month period observed only by people who have lost a parent. Kaddish is recited for eleven months.

A matzeivah, "tombstone" is placed on the grave and dedicated in a ceremony called "unveiling". This dedication of the stone marker may be done anytime between the end of Sheloshim and the anniversary of the death. A cloth is removed from the stone in the presence of the immediate family and friends. Special Psalms and prayers may be said.

The top of the stone often has the Hebrew letters "pay and nun" standing for "Here lies buried" each letter between a Jewish star (Magen David). On the bottom are five Hebrew letters, "tuf, nun, tzadi, bet, hay", meaning "May his (her) soul be bound up in the bond of life eternal."

The custom of leaving pebbles may date back to biblical days when individuals were buried under piles of stones. Today, they are left as tokens that people have been there to visit and to remember.

VII. YAHRZEIT

Yahrzeit is a Yiddish word meaning "a year's time". Each year the anniversary of the death is commemorated according to the Hebrew calendar. This day is observed as a solemn day of remembrance. On the first anniversary the Yahrzeit is commemorated on the anniversary of the day of the funeral. From then on, it is observed on the anniversary of the day of death. This signifies the end of the mourning period and is helpful in bringing closure to the family.

A Yahrzeit candle is lit on the eve of the date in the home, symbolic of the soul and spirit of the deceased. It burns for 24 hours.

It is customary for mourners to attend synagogue beginning with the evening Ma'ariv the night before, followed by the morning service and concluding with the Mincha afternoon service. Here the Kaddish is recited. One may attend services on the closest Shabbat before the anniversary date, to receive an Aliyah to the Torah, or other honor.

Tzedakah, "charity" is appropriate to be given in memory of the deceased.
If one forgets to observe the Yahrzeit, it should be observed when remembered.

VIII. YIZKOR

Yizkor means "remember" and refers to the memorial services held on Yom Kippur, at the end of Sukkot, Passover and Shavuot. Communal and individual prayers of memory are read. The central prayer begins with Yizkor Elohim, "May God remember" the souls of the deceased.

Yizkor services are attended by anyone who has lost a parent, child, sibling, or spouse. The sermons during Yizkor usually remind us of all of the attributes, faith, character, piety of the deceased as a model for living for the survivors.

When referring to the deceased many say the name of the person followed by alav hashalom for a man, or alehah hashalom for a woman (literally, "On him (her) peace"). These phrases demonstrate respect and reverence for the deceased.

Controversy Following Death

Donating organs

Being an organ donor is permitted according to all Jewish denominations once death has been clearly established, provided that instructions have been left in a written living will. Orthodox and Haredi Jews would consult their rabbis before making the final choice and decision.

Jewish view of cremation

Halakha (Jewish law) forbids cremation. Burial is considered the only proper form of disposal for a Jewish person who has died (and is the only method used in the Tanakh), and is seen in Judaism as providing a final measure of atonement for the deceased.

From a philosophical and ritual standpoint, as with a geneza, Jews bury things as an honorable "interment," and would only burn things as a means of destruction.

Suicide

Judaism considers suicide to be a form of "self-murder" and thus a Jew who commits suicide is denied some important after-death privileges, such as absolutely no eulogies should be held for that person and burial is normally not allowed in the main section of the Jewish cemetery.

However, in recent times, most suicides are deemed to be the unfortunate victims of depression or of a serious mental illness and so therefore their act "self-murder" is not deemed to be a voluntary act of self-destruction but rather the result of an involuntary condition and they are therefore looked upon as having died of causes beyond their control.

Additionally, the Talmud (in Semakhot, one of the minor tractates) recognizes that much of the mourning ritual is as much for the living survivors as for the dead, and these elements would thus still be present in the case of the suicide. Furthermore, if reasonable doubt exists that the death may not have been suicide (e.g. if it is unknown whether the victim fell or jumped off a building), the benefit of the doubt is given and regular burial and mourning take place.

Tattoos

While Halakha (Jewish law) forbids tattoos, there is a common myth that Jews with tattoos are not permitted to be buried in Jewish cemeteries. This is not true, and a Jew with a tattoo would receive a normal funeral service.

Death of an infant

For a child who has not been born more than 30 days, stricter communities hold that the child cannot be mourned in a traditional manner of sitting shiva. Understandably, this is very difficult for the family, and is not followed by less traditional Jewish sects.

Additional questions for members of Mosaic Law Congregation

What do I do when a loved one dies?

If the loved one is to be buried at Home of Peace Cemetery, then the first call should be to the funeral home you have selected to handle the arrangements.  It is highly recommended that pre-need arrangements be taken care of before death.   Because Jewish burial must take place as quickly as possible, it is imperative that the death certificate be signed by a physician.   If this is not expedited, then it could delay the funeral service.

Who do I call? 

When the loved one dies locally or in another city, the funeral home and synagogue should be contacted immediately with the name of the deceased, relationship and date and time of death.  If it is the desire to have the rabbi and cantor of Mosaic Law officiate at the funeral, then after hours only, please contact the rabbi or cantor using their home telephone number.

 How do I choose a casket? 

Jewish Law states that the casket must be completely composed of wood.  The funeral home will have different grades of caskets to choose from.

Can I be buried in a crypt?  

According to Jewish Law, the only way a crypt can be the form of burial, is if the crypt is completely covered by earth (as in the side of a mountain).  The rabbi of Mosaic Law will officiate at a crypt as long as the crypt was purchased prior to August 1, 1995. 

How much is a burial plot? 

The funeral home and Executive Director of Home of Peace Cemetery will be happy to provide this information.

Is there a fee for the rabbi and cantor’s services?

All members in good standing at Mosaic Law are entitled to the services of the rabbi and cantor at no charge.  The family may wish to make a donation to the synagogue in memory of their loved one.

If my family member who dies is not of the Jewish faith, do I observe the rituals of Jewish mourning?

Yes.

Sources:

  • A Guide to Jewish Religious Practice, Isaac Klein
  • A Jewish Mourner's Handbook, Kerry Olitzky
  • Mourning and Mitzvah, Anne Brener
  • The Jewish Way of Death and Mourning, Maurice Lamm
  • Living Judaism, Wayne Dosick
  • Living a Jewish Life, Anita Diamant